Time for me...

I didn't realize how long it had been since I had a few hours to myself... and didn't have anything to do, or anywhere to be, and no one around. I noticed how good it felt to get lost in music again. It was clear how long it had been since I sat down at my desk in the office as it was piled with old bills, holiday cards, stacks of cd's (which I've had the intention of reloading to my iPod, and other randomness. I know I've got it "clean" when I can again see that what I use my desk for is not to sit and pay bills at, not to read at, and definately not to work at. My desk is a collection of all the things important to me. It's my inspiration space. It's almost representative of what my room was to me back when I was growing up. It was my little space.

I used to love to paint my room. At least a couple times a year I'd get inspired by a new color. Now greatful to recognize that my parents let me paint my room when I was inspired to do so. I had music covering my walls. I always had a comfy space I could go too. I'd make up a little corner of the room with pillows, a little light, my journals. I had somewhere to escape when I needed to write about all the things happening in my teenage world. Being grounded again for coming home after cerfew, swearing my mother would never ever understand me, and feeling that the love I felt at that moment was all there ever would be. The tall mirror that leaned against my wall... the only witness to my singing into the hairbrush sessions. The keyboard that I always knew I'd really be able to play someday. It was my favorite space ever.

And now as I sit, some 20 years later at my desk, I realize I'm still so much of that same girl. The music posters are now replaced with stacks of cd's and stacks of ticket stubs of concerts I've been to. A few of those same journals are still within reach. Cards from the love of my life are within view. Photos of a passed friend watch over me. Baskets are filled with my favorite photos of my years - because I like to browse through them and remind myself how fortunate I am to have and have had so many wonderful people in my life. Pictures my kids have made me, trinkets and tokens people have given me. I even have up on my desk, three comic strips that I cut out of the newspaper when I was in High School, because they made me laugh out loud when I saw them, but no one else ever found them as funny as I did. Those three comic strips have been a staple on every desk I've ever had. Nothing protects them, they are not laminated, are very yellow now and have gone through several pieces of tape on the back... but they are still here through all these years. That, more than anything, reminds me how fortunate I feel every single day. I've come through this life so far and carry with me everything that made me who I am... literally. Through all the moves we made, a brief battle with cancer, marriage, having kids, divorce, finding myself... all these pieces made it through with me.

I always remember this when I say to the kids "why does your room look like this?" or "do you really need all this stuff". If my parents made me get rid of my "stuff", I probably wouldn't be who I am today. And again, as I know I've said before... My biggest wish for my kids, is that when they are my age, they feel blessed to have the life they do, and never for a moment forget all the moments that brought them to that place.

...unitl next time.

Erin

Time, and self work

It's a good indication as to how fast time flies, when I realize 4 months have gone by since my last post. It's a great time to reflect on that time. In the four months, my birthday girl has grown another inch it seems, is now wearing the same size shoe as me. In that four months I've done a whole ton of self work, self growth, as well as lots of growth within my family, my relationship. We have so many great gifts in our lives and often times we don't stop to appreciate those things. I'm making it a point to appreciate and give gratitude every day. The brilliant hearts, and beautiful faces in my life, I make sure to remind them every day how much they mean to me. I'm spending time learning about myself. Just when we think we knew it all, these perfect ah-ha's come up, and we realize how each day there is more to discover.

In all of this self discovery and growth, what I find interesting is it is being done with a silence that is foreign to me. I'm so used to surrounding myself with music in everything I do, and it seems all this growth has come with an absense of song. It's good though. It's given me a clarity of feelings, emotions, and just raw being that I haven't experienced before. Its like I'm allowing myself to write my own songs now... whereas in the past, I've had a tendency to put my world into songs of others. I'm excited to see what comes after this growth... will that be the burst of pent up creativity, of music, I've been feeling? I sure hope so. I can't wait to get back in touch with the music. Get back in touch with that connection that is so important to my being.

my heart is full. Listening to my ipod playist on here... its so me... its the soundtrack of my smile.

A letter to my daughter...

13. Hard to believe how time has flown by. It seems like just yesterday you were this little mini 3 year old with long blond locks, big giant blue eyes, and cheeks that I could help but squeeze. The little angel, as our Miss Mary called you. Watching you grow has been my greatest joy. Watching you find your love of learning, and your love of animals has made me so proud. Nanny used to always used to tell people that I got my dads brains. I now realized much of that passed to you. Your accomplishments with the robotics team this year were just amazing, and on top of that, being the only girl on the team. In 3 years you have become such a talented violin player. Your love of the french language is very admirable... especially seeings how your mom took 3 years of spanish and can only say "donde el pantalones" and "hola, donde es el banyo". We will take that trip to France together - this I promise. On a fairly regular basis now I catch you getting mad at me for some of the same stuff I used to get mad at my mom for. Its very strange for me. I often find myself wanting to call my mom and say "I'm sorry"... because often times, I now get it. We're not always going to agree on things, but in the end, you'll realize that no matter what - I love you.

Thank you for always allowing me to be the communicator that I am, and understand how important it is to me, that we are open with one another. Now comes the time when we will have to start having some difficult, or sometimes embarrassing conversations. I just hope you always remember that, I've been there too. Being a teenager isn't always easy - but when you have good parents - in the long run you realize that even the hard parts were part of the plan, part of growing up, learning about who you are, and who you want to be.

Thanks for being you and for staying true to yourself. You are such a beautiful, smart, talented young lady, and I look forward to all the wonderful things you have ahead of you.

Love you Bone-esh ;)

Happy 13th Birthday!

Always,
Mom

Great things my kids say...

While having our Wednesday morning Lil' Johns breakfast, Jayden says to me "Momma... when I get older and have kids... I'm going to bring them here for breakfast too and tell them that my momma used to bring me here when I was a kid like you."

man, I love that kid.

Is this a sign of old age?

I noticed today, that I had been noticing the last few weeks... that I have aches and pains. Today they seemed worse than usual so it really made me think. Being the fact that I'm not a complainer, am rarely sick, and never really hurt myself (knock on wood), it is very odd for me to have regular noticible pains. I usually leave the complaining up to other people. However today, it was pointed out to me that I said "holy hell my knee really hurts", 7 times within an hour.

Now I know this isn't a "I fell down and it hurts" kind of pain. It's not a "I've been working out everyday and I'm sore" kind of pain (because as much as I'd love everyone to think I do, having a girlfriend for a trainer... I don't), it is a hardcore deep in my bones kind of pain. Like there is a frozen piece of steel in my knee and shoulder that just aches like all heck. Part of the week I was telling myself that it was just from the kickboxing I did over the weekend, but no, it's not. Then I was telling myself its a new form of PMS that must be setting in, but no, its not. Then today I said "BLAME IT ON ALL THE MATZO I ATE LAST NIGHT" (damn Passover), but no, it's not that either.

The simple truth is that I'm coming to terms that physically, I'm not 18 anymore. I've spent the last 17 some years now feeling like my body could do all the things I could when I was 18... and now, things are catching up to me. I won't sit back and just start saying "I'm old"... it just means I have to work a little harder at taking care of myself. It's much more evident that the food I put in my body is a key ingrediant to how I will feel. I wasn't as conscious of that when being sporty, strong, and fast just came naturally to me. I've got to be aware of my body, it's changes, and the signals it gives me as to what it needs. I'm not ready for these pains, I'm only 34. I've got better things to do than complain that something hurts.

I'm still not old... I've just got to work a little harder to be "better".

I forgot I can blog from my phone... Time to start again. Cheers, E

Why is it such a joy when the Starbucks people remember me. And I'm not even talking about the one I go to regularly. On Fridays I do a favor by babysitting one of my partners trainers boys from 6am-9am. I stop at a drivethru StBucks to get myself coffee so I'm not zombalicious... And I get them what they now call a "Hangaber". (sausage breakfast sandwich)

Last Friday I think the lady could tell I just wasn't awake yet. I asked if she could cut the sammich in half. She asked if I'd like the halves in separate bags. Glorious, I said. I told her of my favor, she exclaimed how nice it was of me.

So today... A week later, I order not coffee but a tea, and the 'hangaber' cut in half. When I got to the window she said "oh hi! Off to babysit huh? Oh and two separate bags right?" ...thats why I'll go back places. When people take the time to remember. Take time out of their life, to be a part of yours, even if just for a moment when they are passing your daily lifejuice through a window to you.

Thanks Starbucks drive thru lady.... You make all the difference :)