Time for me...

I didn't realize how long it had been since I had a few hours to myself... and didn't have anything to do, or anywhere to be, and no one around. I noticed how good it felt to get lost in music again. It was clear how long it had been since I sat down at my desk in the office as it was piled with old bills, holiday cards, stacks of cd's (which I've had the intention of reloading to my iPod, and other randomness. I know I've got it "clean" when I can again see that what I use my desk for is not to sit and pay bills at, not to read at, and definately not to work at. My desk is a collection of all the things important to me. It's my inspiration space. It's almost representative of what my room was to me back when I was growing up. It was my little space.

I used to love to paint my room. At least a couple times a year I'd get inspired by a new color. Now greatful to recognize that my parents let me paint my room when I was inspired to do so. I had music covering my walls. I always had a comfy space I could go too. I'd make up a little corner of the room with pillows, a little light, my journals. I had somewhere to escape when I needed to write about all the things happening in my teenage world. Being grounded again for coming home after cerfew, swearing my mother would never ever understand me, and feeling that the love I felt at that moment was all there ever would be. The tall mirror that leaned against my wall... the only witness to my singing into the hairbrush sessions. The keyboard that I always knew I'd really be able to play someday. It was my favorite space ever.

And now as I sit, some 20 years later at my desk, I realize I'm still so much of that same girl. The music posters are now replaced with stacks of cd's and stacks of ticket stubs of concerts I've been to. A few of those same journals are still within reach. Cards from the love of my life are within view. Photos of a passed friend watch over me. Baskets are filled with my favorite photos of my years - because I like to browse through them and remind myself how fortunate I am to have and have had so many wonderful people in my life. Pictures my kids have made me, trinkets and tokens people have given me. I even have up on my desk, three comic strips that I cut out of the newspaper when I was in High School, because they made me laugh out loud when I saw them, but no one else ever found them as funny as I did. Those three comic strips have been a staple on every desk I've ever had. Nothing protects them, they are not laminated, are very yellow now and have gone through several pieces of tape on the back... but they are still here through all these years. That, more than anything, reminds me how fortunate I feel every single day. I've come through this life so far and carry with me everything that made me who I am... literally. Through all the moves we made, a brief battle with cancer, marriage, having kids, divorce, finding myself... all these pieces made it through with me.

I always remember this when I say to the kids "why does your room look like this?" or "do you really need all this stuff". If my parents made me get rid of my "stuff", I probably wouldn't be who I am today. And again, as I know I've said before... My biggest wish for my kids, is that when they are my age, they feel blessed to have the life they do, and never for a moment forget all the moments that brought them to that place.

...unitl next time.

Erin

Time, and self work

It's a good indication as to how fast time flies, when I realize 4 months have gone by since my last post. It's a great time to reflect on that time. In the four months, my birthday girl has grown another inch it seems, is now wearing the same size shoe as me. In that four months I've done a whole ton of self work, self growth, as well as lots of growth within my family, my relationship. We have so many great gifts in our lives and often times we don't stop to appreciate those things. I'm making it a point to appreciate and give gratitude every day. The brilliant hearts, and beautiful faces in my life, I make sure to remind them every day how much they mean to me. I'm spending time learning about myself. Just when we think we knew it all, these perfect ah-ha's come up, and we realize how each day there is more to discover.

In all of this self discovery and growth, what I find interesting is it is being done with a silence that is foreign to me. I'm so used to surrounding myself with music in everything I do, and it seems all this growth has come with an absense of song. It's good though. It's given me a clarity of feelings, emotions, and just raw being that I haven't experienced before. Its like I'm allowing myself to write my own songs now... whereas in the past, I've had a tendency to put my world into songs of others. I'm excited to see what comes after this growth... will that be the burst of pent up creativity, of music, I've been feeling? I sure hope so. I can't wait to get back in touch with the music. Get back in touch with that connection that is so important to my being.

my heart is full. Listening to my ipod playist on here... its so me... its the soundtrack of my smile.

A letter to my daughter...

13. Hard to believe how time has flown by. It seems like just yesterday you were this little mini 3 year old with long blond locks, big giant blue eyes, and cheeks that I could help but squeeze. The little angel, as our Miss Mary called you. Watching you grow has been my greatest joy. Watching you find your love of learning, and your love of animals has made me so proud. Nanny used to always used to tell people that I got my dads brains. I now realized much of that passed to you. Your accomplishments with the robotics team this year were just amazing, and on top of that, being the only girl on the team. In 3 years you have become such a talented violin player. Your love of the french language is very admirable... especially seeings how your mom took 3 years of spanish and can only say "donde el pantalones" and "hola, donde es el banyo". We will take that trip to France together - this I promise. On a fairly regular basis now I catch you getting mad at me for some of the same stuff I used to get mad at my mom for. Its very strange for me. I often find myself wanting to call my mom and say "I'm sorry"... because often times, I now get it. We're not always going to agree on things, but in the end, you'll realize that no matter what - I love you.

Thank you for always allowing me to be the communicator that I am, and understand how important it is to me, that we are open with one another. Now comes the time when we will have to start having some difficult, or sometimes embarrassing conversations. I just hope you always remember that, I've been there too. Being a teenager isn't always easy - but when you have good parents - in the long run you realize that even the hard parts were part of the plan, part of growing up, learning about who you are, and who you want to be.

Thanks for being you and for staying true to yourself. You are such a beautiful, smart, talented young lady, and I look forward to all the wonderful things you have ahead of you.

Love you Bone-esh ;)

Happy 13th Birthday!

Always,
Mom

Great things my kids say...

While having our Wednesday morning Lil' Johns breakfast, Jayden says to me "Momma... when I get older and have kids... I'm going to bring them here for breakfast too and tell them that my momma used to bring me here when I was a kid like you."

man, I love that kid.

Is this a sign of old age?

I noticed today, that I had been noticing the last few weeks... that I have aches and pains. Today they seemed worse than usual so it really made me think. Being the fact that I'm not a complainer, am rarely sick, and never really hurt myself (knock on wood), it is very odd for me to have regular noticible pains. I usually leave the complaining up to other people. However today, it was pointed out to me that I said "holy hell my knee really hurts", 7 times within an hour.

Now I know this isn't a "I fell down and it hurts" kind of pain. It's not a "I've been working out everyday and I'm sore" kind of pain (because as much as I'd love everyone to think I do, having a girlfriend for a trainer... I don't), it is a hardcore deep in my bones kind of pain. Like there is a frozen piece of steel in my knee and shoulder that just aches like all heck. Part of the week I was telling myself that it was just from the kickboxing I did over the weekend, but no, it's not. Then I was telling myself its a new form of PMS that must be setting in, but no, its not. Then today I said "BLAME IT ON ALL THE MATZO I ATE LAST NIGHT" (damn Passover), but no, it's not that either.

The simple truth is that I'm coming to terms that physically, I'm not 18 anymore. I've spent the last 17 some years now feeling like my body could do all the things I could when I was 18... and now, things are catching up to me. I won't sit back and just start saying "I'm old"... it just means I have to work a little harder at taking care of myself. It's much more evident that the food I put in my body is a key ingrediant to how I will feel. I wasn't as conscious of that when being sporty, strong, and fast just came naturally to me. I've got to be aware of my body, it's changes, and the signals it gives me as to what it needs. I'm not ready for these pains, I'm only 34. I've got better things to do than complain that something hurts.

I'm still not old... I've just got to work a little harder to be "better".

I forgot I can blog from my phone... Time to start again. Cheers, E

Why is it such a joy when the Starbucks people remember me. And I'm not even talking about the one I go to regularly. On Fridays I do a favor by babysitting one of my partners trainers boys from 6am-9am. I stop at a drivethru StBucks to get myself coffee so I'm not zombalicious... And I get them what they now call a "Hangaber". (sausage breakfast sandwich)

Last Friday I think the lady could tell I just wasn't awake yet. I asked if she could cut the sammich in half. She asked if I'd like the halves in separate bags. Glorious, I said. I told her of my favor, she exclaimed how nice it was of me.

So today... A week later, I order not coffee but a tea, and the 'hangaber' cut in half. When I got to the window she said "oh hi! Off to babysit huh? Oh and two separate bags right?" ...thats why I'll go back places. When people take the time to remember. Take time out of their life, to be a part of yours, even if just for a moment when they are passing your daily lifejuice through a window to you.

Thanks Starbucks drive thru lady.... You make all the difference :)

Spent the evening reading new music mag called Death & Taxes. It's interactivity is brilliant. Text a pic of a page... And it texts you back songs, videos, audio interviews. Why have I not seen this sooner...

While reading, I was battling my kitty for my popcorn bowl. Since when do cats go nuts for popcorn? Oh wait, same cat who shares a bowl of raw meat with her boyfriend, the wiener dog.

I'm hoping for slight rise in temp tomorrow. I'm out of pants... So it's dress and heels day. Hmmm... Might not work so well for climbing ladders to clear drains.

I can't get the Foy Vance song out of my head.

On the flip side...

for me... is usually a whole lot of music swirling around. Right now, it's my xmas cd. O'Holy night, Jingle Bells... not so much. Its moreso a gathering of the songs that make up my being. No matter where I am, no matter what I'm doing, there is ALWAYS a tune in my head. There's usually a song in my head up until I fall asleep at night, and the moment I wake up. What song is in there now? Phil Collins, Pseudio (sp?). What song was there when I was feeding the dogs this morning? Well... technically, the song that goes "If you ain't got no money, take your broke ass home". Except I was singing "If you ain't got no chicken, take your broke ass home"... because I was singing it to the dogs as I was giving them pork rather than their regular chicken.

Anyway, as I've started making an initial list of songs I'd like to do, I find myself saying, "what would so and so like", "maybe I'm doing too much ___", blah blah blah. It's now when I have to remind myself...the songs will happen how they are supposed to happen. The songs will pick me (to some extent).

I do realize its a particular sound I crave. The songs all have some sort of message... or speak to me in some way, of a time in my life, a person who had an impact on my life, or can just stop me in my tracks. I am working on expanding those horizons... and pushing myself a little out of my comfort zone. I have to or there is no growth.

I'm really excited about this project. Excited about the musicians that have agreed to work with me thus far, and excited that I took the step to "do it". I'm also in a huge state of gratitude that Allison has agreed to help. She is the one person who really grasps what this is for me... \m/

...so here's to creation, listening, getting it, and feelin it.

ONWARD!

It's been ages... "in my head"

So while I sit and wait for my new furnace to be installed - I sit by the fire (duraflame), and give you another exciting episode of "what's in my brain".

Quick brain dump first: Thank god my phone wasn't broken. Finally got the dogs to eat their pumpkin... just had to pour a little meat juice on it, duh. My songlist for the xmas cd is coming together. Now to just narrow it down and find a couple more musicians maybe. I notice a lovely pattern with myself, and music. I've been up since 5am. My abs are killing me from Kyle's workout. Mmmm latte. Not sure how I ended up with this new search engine on my computer... Alot? I think its called. I kind of like it.

So, I have two things at the top of my mind this morning. The first thing being my son. For the last few years we've had to work with him as consistently as we could... to keep him focused for school. His teacher tells me he's struggling again. Struggling to stay on task, and now struggling to even get started on some things. I myself, do not like to use the term ADD. I think it tends to lead today's society into immediately thinking "there's medication for that". Yes, there is, but I will not put my child on it. There are other ways to work "with" that challenge. In past years we have really monitored hi diet, and kept him off sugar as much as possible, which really made a huge difference. We also try and limit his gluten and dairy - which again, I think have helped. We've also made him conscious of his food choices, and he has become aware of how his body and his brain react to certain foods. That in itself is a huge step with a 10 year old.

My big concern is that next year he will enter 6th grade, which is a whole new ballgame. Changing classes, 7 different teachers that have way more students to focus on. So I feel like this is the year we really need to set him up for success, instill some sense of resposibility in him for his own work, in recognizing when he's struggling and how to combat it.

I remember as a child growing up, my younger brother struggled with schoolwork, always. And I also remember my mom always being there to scoop him up and do what I thought she believed was helping him, but I think in the end it just made it easier on her, not having to have the fight with him everyday. In essence I believe much of the time she ended up just doing the work for him. Janelle has pointed out to me a couple of times, how my son has a tendency to do that - but in a very non assuming way. We have to talk him so far through a problem that eventually we get to the answer which he writes down. She's right - this does happen. And I don't want to continually give him the answers.

The flip side of this is, when he gets frustrated with a problem or set of questions, he has a tendency to shut down, get very upset, and then a 20 minute homework page turns into an hour and a half ordeal.

I know we're not the only parents that deal with this...but I guess I'm looking for some other ideas, options, different angles these things have been approached at. He is a smart kid with a huge desire to learn, and I don't want to ever have him feel forshadowed becuase learning comes so easy for his sister. So this is a big one for me right now. I welcome other parents to chime in...

Test from mobile :)

I write a thousand songs in your eyes

new song.

As it is...

This beautiful world I live in circles around me - and has given me so many wonderful things to be greatful for. Laughter, smiles, beauty, friends, and sounds. Sounds that enter my head and dance around in my memory making all my moments a part of this soundtrack. I've become a person who sees the sunshine on the dark days. A person who has a sense of self. A person who has an idea of what this world has in store for me. Big things. Big, great things. Things that I never imagined possible. And its time to realize all these things. All the times I had an excuse. All the times I don't think it's possible. Now is the time for no more excuses. Its time for me to feel all the passion and power I've always known exhisted, but never gave myself the chance to realize. Time for me to let this huge song inside of me come to life. The real song. I've got to keep that song at the forefront of my mind. Its what drives my soul like nothing else. All those lyrics are worth a lifetime of who knows what great things will happen next. A lifetime of passion, connection, truth, and knowing that time is mine. I choose. I'm worth all of it. I deserve all of it.

brain dump

Time. Doesn't ever last long. How do we get far enough to realize the time is not ours. It doesn't belong to anyone. Its why we try so hard to harness it. Rope it in. Put a leash on it. Streetlights. Corner store. Flowers for a loved one. Tea on Tuesdays. Love on Fridays. Walk along like the sun burns your feet. Skurry like a chipmonk and find the nuts of Jesus. Rain down on me and feed me your lies. Listen to the sounds. Chew. Milk. Work. Play. Drink. Loose. Know. All in a matter of time. That time that we don't have.

ish

creap to the words that make their way
to find the stories that they live to create
a day a year a world you know
its all this song has to dream about
i need a shadow to create my soul
a beat that follows the words i draw

chinese plastic

the jukebox stops, and a silence comes over the aged and dinge filled room. Our eyes lock as we feel a familiar beat and like candy we jump to make the room that much sweeter. It's time to freak out. its time to show everyone what real dancin should look like.

make it mine

"i keep my life on a heavy rotation"

skipping through streets crowded with people... each with the smile of a thousand loves. trumpets emit from the windows above. children running through streets with unabashed joy that emits from the streets with every step they take. eat it up.

after an afternoon

"... something in the way you laugh, it makes me feel like a child. Aspects of life they confuse me, you and your thesis amuse me... after an afternoon with you..."

play... move through me... roll with a voice that takes me back to a place that only now lives in my smile. Watch as the notes live in my eyes, dancing as they see the pieces of our life. My face is warmed as I can almost feel your hands on my cheeks.

"face to palm, tear to tear, mouth to tongue, heart to ground, okay well maybe baby...i am in love."

Placing the burdon on love... pt. 2

I place the burdon on love because it just seems easier that way. To give way to making it better, than to give way to what exists now. What does exist now? The claim that the fairy tale is at your feet, you just need to take the time to bend over and pick it up. Not realizing that it carries the weight of the world. If we want it bad enough our strengths are immeasurable. But when we place the burdon on love it weakens us to the point of failure. We champion ourselves on being that of the unconditional, yet we fear all that is not what we want. I'm at a loss for words that explain this challenge. The idea of letting go is a parallel to the vices we choose to hold on to. Constantly reaching across the divide - but never going back to take the road we saw once before.

Placing the burdon on love

I woke up this morning and that title was the first thing that came to my mind. I need to let it fester... its a good writing prompt.