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I've had this strange random feeling lately that something will happen to myspace - so I decided to take any writing I had on there and place it here. I know - sounds rediculous, but some of it I dont have anywhere else. And its time again to be writing so I need the inspiration. Cheers.

Freewrite '02 "Jack"

My name is Jack And I am gay I like to wear green plaid shirts because green is my favorite color, and plaid tends to annoy people. I live in a small studio apartment in Orange County. My sink always clogs and the manager refuses to fix it. So here I am, gay Jack in my green plaid shirt. My world revolves around frozen pizzas and apple jacks, since that about all I eat. I work at the local bar in the evenings for cash. I have a few regulars that I’ve gotten to know pretty well. Like Will. He’s gay too. He’s married to a women named Lisa and has kept his secret for the 7 years he’s been with her. He likes to come in and talk to me about how horrible his life is and how that’s the night he’s going to go home and tell Lisa he’s gay. And ever week he comes back with the same story and the same excuses. Another regular is Carla. Carla is Single, and has this delusion that someday Mr. Right will walk through the bar door and sweep her off her feet. She’s a bit homely, but cute in her own way. She likes to tell me of her escapades with various men, that were only there to fill the void each week. But she swears she loves every on of them and they will always be in her heart. Then there’s Roger, the businessman. He comes slumping in everyday after work in his $500 suit asking for a bud light. Never minding who is sitting next to him, he’ll always proceed to tell them how successful he is and how his wife hates him. God, who could blame her. He makes $100,000 a year and won’t buy her a car and would rather sit and drink cheap beer in a shit hole like this than sip wine at home by the pool with his beautiful wife. Will he ever end the cycle? Will he go home one day with the bar whore just to prove to himself that women want him, then loose everything because he was too stupid to realize what he wanted was what he already had? Who’s next? We’re just breaking the surface of all the countless faces I see come through here everyday. The single mother, the out of work carpenter, the car salesman. Everyone has a story. Everyone is here for a reason. Why I have to sit and listen to all the bullshit ones is beyond me. Give me someone with real problems. Give me someone who is here to celebrate life. Give me one person that wants to talk to me to find out who I am. Cares about how I feel today. Asks me “Hows it goin bro?”, and actually stay long enough to hear the answer. Don’t fucking treat me like your bitch. You come to me to escape your problems. You come to me to give you the courage to be who you really are. And don’t blame me at the end of the night because you made an ass of yourself. Don’t blame me for not closing your tab earlier. You honestly think these women don’t see right through you? You’re the shit right? All you have to do is give them a look and they want you. You’re an idiot! Try for two seconds to be real. Try to forget the fact that you spent more on your stupid shoes than she did for milk and bread for her family last week. Try and forget that looks at you and sees nothing but a dick. You can’t, because that’s what you make your reality. Fucking people. And I don’t say that because I’m bitter. I say that because it’s sad. It’s sad that the world these days can almost be summed up in a bar. Once in a great while you meet one. Someone who appreciates the simple fact that I took the time to come to work today just so I could open their ice cold beer that they worked so hard for. Its these people that make me come back every day. It’s these people that make me realize that as much as I’d love to give the big bird to every dumb fuck that walks through that door, that this guy was looking forward to seeing me all day. Not because he doesn’t want to go home to his wife, or not because he still doesn’t have a job, or not because she’s hoping that Mr. Wonderful will walk through the door… Simply because of the fact that nothing tastes better than an ice cold beer that someone cracked open just for you. Life is good. Green plaid shirts are good. Apple Jacks are good. Quit your fucking complaining and enjoy your beer. Take the time to say hi to the person next to you. They might be worse off than you. Tip your bartenders because they remember your name. Pick the songs YOU like on the jukebox, not what you think the crowd would like. You never know who else’s favorite song it might be. Buy someone a drink just because. Not because it might get you in their pants. Say thank you and mean it. And if your ever in a bar with your friends, tell them your glad they are there. If you don’t you’ll be the same shmucks that I’ve been talking about, for the rest of our beer drinking lives.

Erin S. Sartain 2002

Untitled '05

Feeling the weight of your breath on my chest

I gasp in search of another ounce of life.

Why do you rob me of my pleasure

Why do you rape me of my pain

Why must you swallow all my passion

And always leave me in the rain

I take back what I said

I know it was wrong

Fuck your stupid ass dreams

And screw all those dumb ass songs

Claw your way out of that hole

And wreak havoc on the world

Simmer down with the devil

And watch your destiny unfurl

Give me back what has always been mine

Let go of that shit you lock deep down inside

Ride your way to somewhere

Anywhere but here

Suffocate yourself with greatness

And allow me to steer



Blood will boil

Night will fall

Change will vanish

And rekindle us all

Fly with the big boys and dance in the sun

Play in my reality

And make me the one

Bark up my tree

Lie in my bed

Fell the wet inside me

And drink what heaven said

Suck from my pride box

Let it fill your mind

Because it’s all we’ve lived for

And what makes this world so blind



Copyright Erin S. Sartain 2005

Free write '05

The freedom of knowing whatever flows through my pen is mine. Its in my space. This space I’ve craved for so long now. I allow my heart to speak freely for the first time. Exploring all those words I’ve locked away. God I can’t wait to share all the life, all the nonsense, all the best of what my life has become, and all that each moment ahead has to offer. I’m ready for greatness. I’m ready to explore who I’ve always wanted to be. Dance around this world with unabashed joy and love and exuberance. I want to be known, for my best and worst qualities, and be cherished for every ounce of it.. Most importantly… I want to know that I made a difference. Even if small – in everyones life that I come in contact with. Never give up on my differences. My differences are som of the things I love the most about me. Keep ‘em guessing. Wear ugly pants. Rock the blue chick shoes. Rock the great hair. Open up to love.

Perfect spot

Truth is what swims in my soul

It’s the purity it bares

Of all the years of my life

All the sweetness in its hands

Oh love, I ask

To breathe my sea

And feel the shade

That cools under my tree

Let me know

Who we can be

I’ve never doubted

One single moment

In letting my love

Set free



Chasing all I’ve ever wanted

With a dragon on my back

Holding on with hope of steel

And living off the track

The worth

The feel

The undaunting fate

Driving

Crying

For the only sake

Each breath I take

I give half to you

And hope the aura

With all its power give life to your

Beating heart

In mind to see

Countless moons

I grow further each day

The sun to rise

And bring your face

As perfect

And like faries

Can’t fathom that it is real

The smell

The sweet sweet smell

Of your perfect spot

Reminds me

Inspires me

Drives me

To the flavor that

Exists as

The eternal apple.


ES '05

Welcome Home

6/17/05



She finally made it

She’s finally free

To be that person

They all refused to see

With no more shadows

And no more pain

And no more wondering

Should she have to be the same



Welcome Home

It’s been awhile

The doors unlocked

As it’s always been

Your hearts on the table

Having a grand old feast

Of all the things

You’ve craved to be



The chairs are filled

Of the memories past

The platters served

By her futures cast

Never again to hunger for pride

For the gourmet life

Is at her side



Welcome home

It’s been too long

The doors unlocked

The key, long gone

Your hearts on the table

Having a grand old feast

Of all the things

You’d hoped you’d be



No grace to be said

For she prayed everyday

That the ache in her soul

Would soon find its way

Out of the hunger and turn into pride

And forever feeling content

With the someone by her side



The fence too high

The dog was out

Her broken heart

Had every doubt

She saw that light

It never went away

She can’t be afraid

To go home someday

All these things

She’ll never have to hear

It’s all so vivid

And finally so clear



Welcome home

And never to leave

No doors ever close

No love unreceived

There’s always more chairs

In this feast to come

For you’ll always be

Welcome home



copyright erin s. sartain 2005

At What Point

At what point do the lines of insanity and the lines of obsurdity cross

At what point does the facade of ones troubles become the clairty you crave

At what point does the world stop looking at your shadows and start basking in your glow

At what point does your heart understand the truth your soul seeks

At what point does your skin become immune to the touch of demons

At what point does the love consume your weaknesses

At what point do your eyes need no light to see life right in front of you

At what point does the tide carry you to a lucid stillness

At what point do your dreams break your silences

At what point does the fight become the success


Erin Sartain 4/3/06