Time for me...

I didn't realize how long it had been since I had a few hours to myself... and didn't have anything to do, or anywhere to be, and no one around. I noticed how good it felt to get lost in music again. It was clear how long it had been since I sat down at my desk in the office as it was piled with old bills, holiday cards, stacks of cd's (which I've had the intention of reloading to my iPod, and other randomness. I know I've got it "clean" when I can again see that what I use my desk for is not to sit and pay bills at, not to read at, and definately not to work at. My desk is a collection of all the things important to me. It's my inspiration space. It's almost representative of what my room was to me back when I was growing up. It was my little space.

I used to love to paint my room. At least a couple times a year I'd get inspired by a new color. Now greatful to recognize that my parents let me paint my room when I was inspired to do so. I had music covering my walls. I always had a comfy space I could go too. I'd make up a little corner of the room with pillows, a little light, my journals. I had somewhere to escape when I needed to write about all the things happening in my teenage world. Being grounded again for coming home after cerfew, swearing my mother would never ever understand me, and feeling that the love I felt at that moment was all there ever would be. The tall mirror that leaned against my wall... the only witness to my singing into the hairbrush sessions. The keyboard that I always knew I'd really be able to play someday. It was my favorite space ever.

And now as I sit, some 20 years later at my desk, I realize I'm still so much of that same girl. The music posters are now replaced with stacks of cd's and stacks of ticket stubs of concerts I've been to. A few of those same journals are still within reach. Cards from the love of my life are within view. Photos of a passed friend watch over me. Baskets are filled with my favorite photos of my years - because I like to browse through them and remind myself how fortunate I am to have and have had so many wonderful people in my life. Pictures my kids have made me, trinkets and tokens people have given me. I even have up on my desk, three comic strips that I cut out of the newspaper when I was in High School, because they made me laugh out loud when I saw them, but no one else ever found them as funny as I did. Those three comic strips have been a staple on every desk I've ever had. Nothing protects them, they are not laminated, are very yellow now and have gone through several pieces of tape on the back... but they are still here through all these years. That, more than anything, reminds me how fortunate I feel every single day. I've come through this life so far and carry with me everything that made me who I am... literally. Through all the moves we made, a brief battle with cancer, marriage, having kids, divorce, finding myself... all these pieces made it through with me.

I always remember this when I say to the kids "why does your room look like this?" or "do you really need all this stuff". If my parents made me get rid of my "stuff", I probably wouldn't be who I am today. And again, as I know I've said before... My biggest wish for my kids, is that when they are my age, they feel blessed to have the life they do, and never for a moment forget all the moments that brought them to that place.

...unitl next time.

Erin